When Friendships Are Broken

12:43 PM

I look for you everywhere. In my text messages, in my phonebook, even in  my emails. I look for something that tells me that you're thinking about me. Fifteen years is a long time to call somebody friend only to walk away and hope it will be out of sight, out of mind. 

Your phone number is hidden in my phone, surrounded by angry faces so that it looks like I don't really care. A sign to not answer if you should call. I can't care openly. Nobody can know that I miss my friend, that I messed up, and that I'm too afraid to fix it. 

You'll forgive me, I know this. We will talk and catch up and laugh, and it will be like nothing ever happened. But it will mean nothing if the words that come out of our mouths isn't about what broke us. If it's not about that thing that stood between us waiting to be recognized or acknowledged, then we have no real chance of fixing it. We'll never be who we once were.

We started out growing up together and eventually grew apart. I haven't been able to decide if you even realized it was happening. I did. I watched you slip through my fingers like water as I continued to try and catch you, try to hold on to you. But you weren't mine to hold. You weren't mine to keep, our friendship, maybe, possibly, wasn't meant to be a forever kind of thing. None of this means my love for you has died, it doesn't mean I feel nothing, it doesn't mean I don't try to find a way to fix what is broken. It doesn't stop me from wondering if maybe my thoughts of you are a waste of time.

I still look for you everywhere, it's been fifteen years, that's a long time to love someone. That's a long time to allow someone to carve out a place in your heart and move in. Nobody will ever fit into your space, it wasn't made for them.

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