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Accepting The Blessings While Surrounded By Turmoil.

4:21 AM

I'm in a battle called, how do I do this? So many great things are happening. I've often written about how I sometimes find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. When things are going right, I wait for the one thing that's wrong to come in and trump that. Recently, I was offered a position to write for a pretty big online magazine, this is a dream job for me and a huge foot in the door. In the beginning I wanted to write for a publication that catered to the African American community, and I sort of did that. No, it wasn't Essence, Ebony, or even jet, but it was a step in the right direction and gave me a push to actually continue to pursue the career I've wanted for so long. 

I tend to hold on to my good news until I have no choice but to share it with others, because I can't stand having all eyes on me. The congratulations are sometimes hard to accept graciously without instead ducking my head, and saying, it's nothing, really. I guess that could be considered blocking my blessings because in a way it's a sign of being ungrateful, even though I'm more than grateful. I'm just not accepting of it all.

I will forever thank Kimberly Foster at forharriet.com for publishing the first piece that I've ever pitched. It was all because of one tweet, and me finding the courage to step out on Faith that I was able to say that I had gotten something that I'd written published. But even with that wonderful thing happening to me, I still waited around for the other shoe to drop. This is a weird way of thinking for someone who firmly believes in speaking things into existence. Even when it isn't spoken, your thoughts always seem to manifest themselves.

Not everything in my life is rainbows and unicorns, my life is not perfect, and if I'm being honest the imperfections are really beginning to kick my ass. My first thought is, call your therapist, she's there to guide you through tough times. However I'd really like to get through this without sitting on a couch and sharing my feelings. What I'm going through is not dire, it's just hard, and I don't do hard. With everything going on, I'm really trying to find a place where I can sit and actually enjoy all of the good news I'm getting. I'm aware that sweeping the bad under the rug does nothing but prolong the inevitable, I'm also aware that at some point I have got to get out of my own way. Right right now, however, I just want to sit here and try to find my happy place. I'm going to accept my blessings while surrounded by what some might consider self inflicted turmoil.  

Is that even a thing?

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