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Suffering In Silence: The Truth About My Depression

12:35 AM



On January 10th I'll be meeting with a therapist for the first time in my life. My birthday which is the 11th, has always been tough for me. Ever since I turned twenty one it has triggered my depression. There aren't a lot of people in my life that know I've struggled with depression since I was a kid. I've had thoughts of killing myself, I've thought bad things about myself, I haven't always thought I was worthy of the good things that have come into my life. I didn't love myself. I struggled through life for years, waiting for this heavy thing to lift off of me and give me a chance to live a normal life. Granted, I've soldiered through it and have been able to live a normal life without medicine, and without a doctor's guidance, but that doesn't mean it won't come back. It doesn't mean that it hasn't affected my life.

This year has been, just eh, for me. I've had some highs and some lows, and some uncertain moments, but the depression hasn't come back, and I'm grateful for that. Like I said earlier, my birthday is around the corner, but this birthday feels different. There is no sadness, there is no fear, and I'm not crying for an entire month like I did last year. This could be a turning point, and I could very well just go into this birthday and believe that this one will be different. That this one will be ok, and good, and I could stay quiet. But my sanity and my happiness depends on me and how I take care of myself.

I've always dealt with my depression by laughing through it publicly, and crying privately. I was silly Alana when people were around, and then I'd crumble when I was alone. I can admit this now, because I understand what was going on, but back then, I was running from the criticism I thought would come after I shared this part of myself. Perfect Alana became an act, it became something I hid behind, hoping that no one would see past the smile and jokes. 

So, I'll be seeing a therapist the day before my birthday and talking about these things with her, and hopefully finding a way to keep the depression at bay, or at least deal with it if it decides to show up again. I talk about fear of failure often, that fear triggers anxiety, and that anxiety could trigger the depression. It's a scary place to be, and those who have never felt the pain, and sadness that comes with depression will never understand what some of us feel.

I've kept this part of my life pretty quiet because I didn't want people to treat me like I was broken. I didn't want to be looked at as different or flawed. I didn't want people to use the dreaded "C word". The problem was, I cared too much about what others thought about me, and I didn't care enough about my health. But that's going to change now, I'm going to help others help me, by not being quiet anymore.

The Secret Strength of Depression By Flach, Frederic (Google Affiliate Ad)

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