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Venting...

1:36 AM

As funny as this may sound, I'm a pretty private person. Hard to believe right? But it's true, I don't share my fears or cry on people's shoulders. I don't ask for advice, I give it. But today was a little different. I had a meltdown at work. I literally stood in the bathroom, and cried. I called my mother and screamed, I can't do this anymore! And that poor woman sat on the phone helpless and listened to her child cry about wanting to quit a job that has been draining her since the day she started. 

I often tell my assistant manager that it's his fault that I'm with this company, because he withheld information when he interviewed me. He jokingly tells me that he hired me because he felt that if he had to deal with the bullshit, then so did I. We laugh, but as days continue to go by and things continue to get worse for us at work, the joke becomes less and less funny, and more sad. He and I are both in this place where we have one foot out the door, but we're waiting for the right opportunity. When I talk about work with other people or update my status on Facebook, I try to make light of everything that's going on around me. Only those close to me know what I deal with on a day to day basis at that place, and when I talk to them about it, they look mortified. How is any of this happening? Why is no one paying attention? WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE?! They ask me these questions, and I can only give one answer, I don't know. 

But I do know. When I started working at this place, about a month in, I called my then District Manager and said, I'm miserable. What can I do to fix this? She told me to wait five more months and transfer, or she and I could talk about what the next step would be. Months went by and I settled into my new job and I liked it some days and hated it other days. But I dealt with it. Because, if I chose to quit or transfer, I would have been giving up, and I am not a quitter. I have never in my life quit anything, least of all because something was too hard. When things get hard, I deal with it, I cry it out, I blog, I write in my journal. But I do not break and I do not quit. However, today I wanted to quit. I wanted to place my keys on the counter, look at my manager, and I wanted to say, I am completely and utterly done with you and this place. And then I wanted to flip my hair, put on my sunglasses, and walk out of that store, and never look back.

That didn't happen. No, I stood in the bathroom and talked to my mom and listened to her as she tried to make everything that was wrong, right. I listened as she told me to faint, and tell my manager that I needed to go home, and I listened to this woman who I love with everything in me told me that she would come and get me. Forget the fact that my car was in the parking garage, she was coming to get me if I needed to leave. And I cried some more. If there is a lesson in this experience, I'd like to know what it is. Because sooner or later, I'm not going to care about the lesson learned. This is hard, and I hate it, and this...is life.


                                 You should be thankful you have a job
                                 
Me not liking my job has absolutely nothing to do with me not appreciating the job. But, what happens when appreciation isn't enough?

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