Turning 26

3:14 PM

Today I turn 26, and I'm terrified. *sigh* I've finally said it. For a while I wasn't sure how I felt about this. Couldn't really put into words what was going on inside of me. But there has been this fear that has come with even the thought of turning 26. 

I've tried writing about this three times (this is number four) but the words just never seemed right.

 My birthday is one of the reasons I don't do new years resolutions. Every year on my day, I sit down and think about what I've done, should have done but didn't, and I try to make some sense of my life. I didn't do any of that this year, because I don't know what I'll do. I feel like 2012 is going to be a year of "figuring it out" sort of drifting, trying new things to see what works for me. Recently, I was talking to my Assistant Manager, and I confessed something that I hadn't even confessed to myself. The gist of the conversation was, "I will not be thirty still trying to, "get it together".  I've spent years (and money) in/on college, and the funny thing is, there is a large chance that what I've gone to college to be, I will not be. That's not to say that what I've learned will not be used, my friends take advantage of it all the time, but I certainly won't be making money off of it, and I'm ok with that. I didn't feel this way last week, I was disappointed, scared, and confused as all hell. Worried that people might not understand, disappointed because I felt like maybe I had wasted time, and scared because I didn't know what came next. Now, I don't care if people understand, if they don't get it, it's not meant for them to get, I know that as long as something comes from whatever I do time has not been wasted, and I don't know what comes next, but I feel like I'm ready for whatever it is. I guess what they say is true, the older you get, the less you care what people think.

I'm setting personal goals for myself this year, giving myself the entire year to accomplish said goals, some I will share whether they be accomplishments or failures, and others I will keep to myself, because they aren't meant to be shared. Then there are friendships that should have stayed in 2010 but seem to have followed me all the way to 2012. Those stop here, I'm not fighting to keep unsteady friendships on steady ground, I'm not holding on to people who don't know if they want to stay or go, I'm not dealing with friendships that aren't friendships, but rather a heavy weight that I can't carry anymore. I want this year to be better than last year, so I'm going to make it better than last year. In the 26 years that I've been living, the ONE thing I've always tried to do is be a good person. I'm not sure if I've done this, or if I've done it right, but I can say that I've tried.

A lot of you have read every blog I've posted, or a blog here and there, and I thank you for coming on this journey with me. I thank you for laughing with me, and allowing me to cry in this space, and be opinionated. And on this day that could have been a really sad day for me (because I'm dramatic like my grandma) I'd like to say thank you to those who wished me a happy birthday.

Sincerely Alana xoxo

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