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Jesus...Taking It All In

12:38 AM


 I watch a show called Sunday Best on BET (shut up, stop judging me!). Tonight they brought back the winner from last year who has gone through hell. She lost everything when Hurricane Katrina hit. She went from having nothing at all, to having more than she could ever hope for when she won the competition. Tonight she sang her first single called Jesus. I've never been that person that said that God spoke to me, I don't hear him, but I feel him, and I know that when I make moves it's because HE let me know that it is ok to try it and see what happens. When I fall, I know that HE is the one that  reaches out and helps me up. I'm not the average Christian. I don't do what is considered the norm for a Christian, I don't go to Church anymore (we'll talk about this later), I don't live my life by the Bible because I don't believe all of that is needed in order for me or anyone else to be blessed. However, I do live my life the way I feel God intended me to live it.

Lately I've been practicing patience. I've deicded to step out on faith and go for my dream of becoming a writer while still staying in school and obtaining my degree. I am the person who wants what she wants when she wants it and it has affected my writing and my life in the worst way. I rush when I should slow down. I write things and then just laying them down and never pick them up instead of just perfecting them. Because I feel like when I write it, it should be perfect. Why should I have to go through the trouble of fixing something that should be perfect, right? Wrong. I get sad when life decides to throw me a curve ball, and instead of catching it and throwing it back, I allow it to hit me, and make me cry. I succumb to those things that try to break me. Those things that have broken me.

While listening to Le'Andria Johnson sing tonight I had a thought. I have to stop and breathe. I'm not ready for all of the things that I want. I feel ready but I know that I'm not. Also, just because I want it doesn't mean that it is meant for me. I have to accept what is going to be and accept the things that are not meant to be, and I have to understand that just because it hasn't happened just yet doesn't mean that it will never happen. I'm on God's time, HE is NOT on mine, I get that, I accept that, and I'm going to start catching those curve balls, but I won't throw them back, I'll hold on to them, and remember what they taught me, because my time is coming. I've seen it, I feel it, I know it...I'll be ok. I always have been, and I always will be.

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