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"What God intended for you goes far beyond anything you can imagine." ~Oprah

12:33 AM

When things in your life begin to shift, whether you know why or not, there is this indescribable feeling of either relief or dread. I feel things in my life shifting, my steps are lighter, I smiled and laughed more today than I have in the past month or so. It could be because I feel like I'm that much closer to finding a job that better suits my needs. Or because I've figured out what I want to do, or because this important thing I've been working on for the past year is finally starting to come together. This feeling is incredible, and I am terrified. Yes, the feeling is great, but when you dare to hope and believe, you run the risk of being let down. 


I'm sure, there will be people who do everything in their powers to rock the boat, but I'm not in that boat because I can't swim. I'm standing on solid ground, looking at all of the possibilities that are within my reach. Smiling because I can finally see what's right there, what has always been right there, but I couldn't see. It has been a tough year...a very, very, very tough year. I lost a friend because I told the truth, but I also learned that the line you can't handle the truth! Is not just a line in a movie, it's real. Everybody can't handle your truth, I get that now. I won't lie to people in my life, however I will use the truth to eliminate the ones that aren't supposed to be here. Get rid of the people who are taking up space in my life because they feel a need to be here rather than want to be here. 


I'm ok, and I'm not, I'm brave but I'm scared, I'm strong but I'm also weak, but more importantly, I'm me. And I love me. I love me more than anyone else ever could, I let myself down but I always forgive myself because I know that I am trying. I am not perfect and I don't want to be, I'm flawed just like the next person. I've learned that people can't handle that, and that's not my problem, it's theirs. I've kept a lot of what's going on with me quiet, I share what I feel like sharing, the rest is between me and God and the two other people I've talked to. 


The thing is, I've been procrastinating when it comes to the job search because I can't stand starting over. I hate meeting new people, and having to figure them out. It just takes too long. I like the familiar, I'm a creature of habit. And as I've said before, I'm the person who reads the end of a book before reading the beginning because I need to know what's going to happen before it happens.  But something happened at work recently and I heard something say, it's time for you to go, you don't belong here, you never did. And although it was a voice in my head, it immediately sparked a quote I've heard time and time again but never really understood: 


                      I say the universe speaks to us, always, first in whispers...What are the                              
                                      whispers? What's whispering to you now? ~Oprah


I hear everything the universe is saying to me, I know what I need to do, what I have to do in order to succeed. Will it be easy? No. Will I get all yeses? No. There will be more nos than yeses, I know this, I accept this, and for the first time in a long time, I feel ready. This shift in my life feels amazing, and encouraging, and again that terrifies me, but that won't stop me from going after what I want, what I know is for me.What I have claimed for myself. 

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