My Quarter Life Crisis

5:10 PM

"They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like."

Lately, I've been waking up in the morning feeling very uninspired. Suffering from anxiety attacks that come in spurts. Wondering what my purpose is, why I'm here. And when I think about the word life I automatically think, I'm doing this shit wrong.

                      I truly believe that I am going through a quarter life crisis

Let's talk about what that consist of. There is more than one theory of what is supposed to happen.

-It's said to happen between the age of 25 and 35
-You feel as if you aren't where you are supposed to be in life
-Feel insecure
-Financial stress and confusion 
-Scared of getting old
-A sense of anxiety 

There is more to it than that, but I think you get the picture.Anyone who knows me, knows that I hate my job, there is no secret about that. I talk about work to stop myself from talking about what's really bothering me. I'm stuck. I can't go left, I can't go right, going forward seems impossible, and going backwards is out of the question. For years, I've said that I would go to college, graduate, go to grad school, finish that, and start building my career. 

Things didn't really work out that way. I went to college and started working, work consumes my life therefore leaving no time for me to do anything involving school. It forces me to take less classes, spend less time studying, therefore leading me to believe that I might not be able to do it all at once. I know, people do it all of the time, but their determination is not mine. I am constantly wondering if my sanity is still there because I feel like I'm being stretched way too thin. 

Recently I was tweeting Bassey about college, and out of nowhere I said, I've been thinking about quitting. Now, I hadn't been sitting around giving it any serious thought, but as I sat there and really took in what I had written, I realized just how serious I was. I've worked damn hard in college while still putting in crazy hours at work, and even at one point losing my job because the company was closing. But I didn't quit. I couldn't fathom not being in school. Not finishing.

                                         I don't feel that way anymore

I personally don't feel like I am where I am supposed to be in life, and the reason for that is, I don't really know where I want to be. It's weird writing that, because I have had the plan for my life written down for so many years. I created the map that I was supposed to travel, and I knew just how long it was going to take me to get there. I even highlighted the few stop I'd have to make before I reached my destination. But those goals are different, that girl/woman who created those goals is different. She's not the same, she doesn't have the time she had when the plans formed in her head. I'm twenty five years old *sigh* I don't want to be that person in college who changes her major every semester, or gets to the finish line and realizes that I haven't even chosen a major yet.

For as long as I can remember, people have had a clear idea of what they wanted me to do with my life. Who they thought I would be, thought I should be. Few people asked me what I wanted. But when they did, and heard my answer, they would say, I don't think that's for you... What you should do is... You're great at... My being great at something doesn't mean that I'll do great if I go for it. 

I'm not afraid of getting old, I'm afraid of running out of time

I'm sure that like me, you've heard, it's never to late to...and that may be true, but who wants to be fifty still trying to get it right? I don't. There is a timeline of what you should be doing at every stage of your life, where you should be, what you should want. And the general consensus is, if you aren't there you are a failure at life. Although I don't feel like I'm a failure, I do ask myself what have you done? And the fact that I have actually sit and think hard about what I've done bothers the hell out of me. 

My mother recently came to me and said, I'm so proud of you and everything that you've done. I looked up to her and asked what I'd done. She rattled off all of the things that made her proud of me, and when she walked away I started thinking, but those things don't make me proud. Listen, making your parents proud is all well and good, if that's what you're shooting for, but if you aren't proud of you, is it even worth anything?

"Everybody has a calling and your real job in life is to figure out what that is and to get about the business of doing it"~Oprah

I know a quarter life crisis sounds dramatic. That's because it is. It's also real, the feelings are real, the anxiety is real, the fear of not being the best you you can be, or achieving anything, is real. I don't know why it happens, don't understand the emotions that come with it. But I accept it and plan to work through it. I've never allowed anything to stop me from going for what I want. It just so happens those wants are different now. I made a vision board recently, and as I write this, I see that I'm going to have to change a lot of things on that board. I'm not ok with that, honestly I'm terrified, because it shows my lack of stability. Or maybe it shows that, I'm only twenty five, no, I don't have forever, but I do have now.

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