It Will Get Better...I Know This

11:17 PM

I wrote something tonight, but because it's so personal I had to throw it in the draft box. I hate filtering myself, but sometimes it's necessary. And it's necessary for a few reasons. The first reason being that, when you open yourself up completely to people, some take what you've told them, or in my case what you've written and they use it to hurt you.I  really don't care what people think about me or say about me, but I will never give anyone the ammunition to harm me. I know the old saying someone out there has a life that is just as bad if not worse than yours. Does that mean that my sadness is less important than their sadness?

I've been dealing with so much lately. Taking on more responsibility than I really care to take on because for some reason people look to me to be the responsible one. This is at work and in my personal life. It's as if I'm not allowed to make mistakes, cry, scream. Because Alana has to pick up the pieces. I'm afraid to even look at my grades from last semester, because I made so many sacrifices for work and missed classes, and was too tired to study and I kind of feel like it was all for nothing. There was no appreciation, no thank you it was as if it was something I had to do. I smile when I want to cry, worry when I smile, and when things are going right I wait for them to go bad. It's a terrible way to live.

For the past few days, everything I've written has been sad, and that bothers me, because I've had better days. I keep waiting for this thing to go away, but it's stubborn and and it seems to be here to stay. That freaks me out. There are things I'm working on, some exciting, others are just things I have to do because they're necessary.

Knowing what's wrong doesn't always solve the problem. I've sat down, made a vision boards, talked about what's wrong, I've found solutions, and I don't expect things in my life to be perfect, just a little less...chaotic.Usually, I turn to my friends who are ex co-workers of mine, because the truth is, they know me a little better  than people who have known me all of my life.

This is life, imperfect, stressful, soul crushing, beautiful, unpredictable life, and I have to deal with it. Accept it for what it is. I know this, and I do accept it but it doesn't mean that I can't break sometimes. Can't cry when the  tears start to become too painful for me to hold in any longer. I can, and so can you.

*sigh* I said I didn't post the last entry because it was too personal, and then I go and write another personal entry. I'm doing this wrong.

In other news, I have a novel that was never supposed to be the light of day being sold on Amazon. Don't buy it, it's not finished. Now I have to figure out how the hell Amazon got their hands on the first novel I ever completed. Let me put that on my list of things to do. It'll be #128846 on the list.

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