,

Quick Thought: Letting Go Of My Babies

3:09 AM

So another year has rolled around and the kids are all going to be one year older, and I'm not dealing with it very well. Up first is Lauren, she turned 15 on April 9th and it's not that I forgot I just wasn't ready to deal with the fact that she is now going to be a sophomore in high school, she's getting her driving permit, and she's dating, and she's...doing teenage things. Nobody told me that this was how things were supposed to go. Ok yes, I knew at some point I was going to have to let them all go because we all grow up. And yes, I know the routine because I went through all of this, but the point is...I'm not ready.


                          


                        You watch these little people grow, and never
                 once do you think about the day when you'll have              
                 to let go
                     

Lauren was born when I was ten, and although I took care of her, did the whole midnight feedings thing and took on diaper changing duties, we sort of grew up together. We're only ten years apart, but the older she gets the older I feel. There is a connection between me, Lauren, Nas (he's 13 but will be 14 on May 13), and Kennedi (7 now, but she will be 8 on August 22nd) that I can't really describe. They hold a special place in my heart, and I sometimes wonder if they're the reason I don't want kids of my own. Over the years, they've become my kids, my responsibility (when I have them) and I feel as if I make one mistake, that one mistake could break them. So as they get older, and I continue to give them advice and guide them as only an aunt can I have to wonder if I'm doing it right.

I'm watching these three kids grow into what I always knew they could be...knew they would be, and it's scary. How does one prepare themselves for something like this? I love these complicated, hardheaded, stubborn, lovable, adorable, fascinating kids, they hold a place in my heart that no one else will ever be able to touch. But as I said, they're getting older, and...I need a minute to process this. Wrap my mind around the fact that one day they won't need me anymore. One day, the questions will stop, and they will begin solving their own problems. How does someone so use to being needed deal with no longer having anyone around that needs them? I need a minute...

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