Reflecting: This Sounded So Much Better In My Head

1:25 AM

This blog post has been running around in my head for almost two months now, and it just decided to sit still long enough for me to write it. It's usually the ones I take the time to think through before writing that don't see the light of day. Let's see if I can change that with this one.

When I rang in the new year I promised myself that this year would be different. I would be happier, more secure, less broken, less...sad. I said that I wouldn't cry almost everyday, I wouldn't worry, and I promised myself that this year would be better than last year, and that today would be better than yesterday. And so far, this seems to be going well for me. 

This year started out really good. I've gotten really good news, and I've decided to do something that I put off last year due to that sadness that took over my life. I'm happier, and I'm ok, and I smile more, and...I'm almost too afraid to talk about these things, it'd be just my luck, God would start thinking that maybe he's given me too many good things and that he's going to hold off on the good and give me a little bad, just to test my strength. *this is how my mind works at 1am* *looks up* I'm not ready to deal with any challenges right now.

Last year, everything seemed to be going wrong, nothing seemed to be going right...ummm, yeah. I was sad everyday, and I was crying myself to sleep but I didn't understand the sadness. I wasn't doing anything, I was just...sad. And I wasn't talking about it the way that I should have. People were disappointing me, and hurting me (whether they knew it or not), they were letting me down, and not listening to me when I wasn't talking but screaming out for someone to listen. Finally I stopped screaming, and started talking, when talking didn't work, I started whispering, when that didn't work, I grew silent. I was holding things in and it was eating me up inside. 

Now, it's a new year, a new day, and I'm happy, I'm being productive, and I'm still making sure that today is better than yesterday. And I'm not worrying about tomorrow. I'm making decisions that are best for me, and although some people might feel slighted because of this, I can't worry about that. Worrying about others, and taking care of others before I take care of myself is what got me to that place. It's a place that I hate, a place that I fear ever seeing again, and I refuse to go back.

Usually there is a moral to my stories, but I don't think...oh, I've got one. When you go someplace and it's not what you expect...

Nevermind, I've got nothing. All I can say is: Find your happy, and hold on to it.

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