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Rambles & Thoughts:My Friendships Mean A Lot To Me

3:58 AM

I have a friend who is currently in prison, he's a good guy that made some really bad decisions. Decisions I still get angry with him about whenever I think about how he's wasted his life, and how his choices affect not only him, but his daughter who is now a teenager going through...what teenage girls go through. There are so many things that he will never get to experience because of his actions. But I don't fuss at him, I don't talk to him about what he did. There was only that one conversation where I said, what did you do? He was reluctant to answer me, and I told him, I will never ask you again. Once is asking, twice is begging, and I will never beg you to share anything with me. He finally opened up to me, I learned a lot of things that I would have much rather never known, but I was glad he felt comfortable enough to share with me what put him in the place he's in.

Isiah (my friend) use to say to me, Alana, I fear that one day you will disappear on me and I'll never hear from you again. Honestly, he was right in feeling this way. No, I would never stop writing him, being there for him when he needed me, but there were times when I was MIA and it caused him to wonder if I was alright, was I sad, stressing, or just plain tired of writing him letters. And no matter how many times I told him that he had nothing to worry about, he still worried.

 Last year, around maybe September, he wrote me a letter. In this letter he chastised me because I hadn't written him in almost six months. It wasn't that I was trying to be mean, I was just working a lot, and I had school, and family to deal with. I was also going through a lot and I was not very happy. The last thing you want to do is write someone who is surround by the same four (or is it three?) walls everyday, and complain about your life on the outside. So I stopped writing him, but I had no idea that I hadn't written him, I just...stopped. And I worked on me, and struggled to figure out why I was so sad. I knew that I could write him and cry in my letters (I'd done it time and time again) and he'd write me back with something like, come on baby girl, stop it with all that negative talk. And then he'd say something else that would make me laugh or cry. This was our routine, we did it all of the time. But I didn't want to do that, so I started blogging more, and I stopped writing him, and I'm sure this hurt. I never set out to hurt him or make him feel like a burden, because he's been nothing short of amazing. Isiah has never asked me for anything other than my time. I respect that, and I love him for it. 

He went from being just another friend, to being one of the best friends God has ever blessed me with 

So all of that up there, brings me to this: 

This year, I finally got it together, stopped letting people and things overwhelm me and get me down and I started living again. I started smiling more, and finally, finally, I wrote my friend back. I told him what was going on, I actually wrote him two separate letters telling him everything. I was excited, because I was sharing things with him that he had missed out on. I cried, and laughed, and shared, and I smiled when I signed my name. I knew that when he received my letter that he would write me back immediately.

That didn't happen. I wrote him just before my birthday (January 11th) and he has yet to write me back. This is unusual for Isiah because he always writes me back as soon as he finishes reading my letter, so that he can have it sent out as soon as possible. It is now Feb 24th and I still haven't heard from him. I worry about him because of where he is, I fear that one day he'll be gone and no one will tell me, I'll have no way of knowing, I won't get to say good-bye, or...that he'll just be gone. He's the only male I know (other than my brother Adrian) who can say, stop it. And I don't feel like I'm being ganged up on. 

This silence between us scares me, and I wonder, is this my punishment for those times when I didn't promptly respond to him? I feel what he felt every time I didn't write him back. Worried. I get it now, I understand why he'd say, 

Lana, you are messing up.

Come on now baby girl

You can't just not write me, I worry about you.

I understand because I too worry about him. Is he ok? Did he get my letter? Is he mad at me? What did I say in that letter? Did I hurt him? Where is my friend? I cherish every single friend that I have, so when I feel as though I might have hurt one of them, I panic. I worry about them. I never want to make someone feel as if I'm not there when they need me. Friends...good friends should be cherished, they should be respected, and they shouldn't just be thrown to the side and only looked at, or acknowledged when it's convenient for you. If you aren't there for your friends, how do you expect them to ever really be there for you?

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