When You're Second Guessing Yourself...

1:06 AM

It's always good to find your real friends and just...talk. I had dinner with two women that I use to call co-workers and I now call friends tonight, and I feel better. For the past week or so, I've been stressing about my 25th birthday, and about a decision I made that I'm not too sure about. And although I've had someone to talk to about this issue, there is nothing like talking to someone face to face when your brain is in turmoil. So I met up with them, and we ate, and we talked, and we shared, and I revealed things that I haven't been able to speak out loud since they entered my life, took over my brain. I began to feel a weight lift up off of me. 

One of my friends asked a question that was so hard to answer, I could feel the tears gathering in the back of my eyes, they were starting to sting, but I didn't want to let them fall and ruin what was turning out to be a great dinner. So I held them close, and refused to let them fall. I looked into a pair of the most trusting eyes I've ever met, and answered honestly. Yes. It was simple, vague, yet to the point, but I could still see the questions in her eyes, and so I elaborated on what I meant. My friend continued to look at me, her face softened, and she said to me, you are so beautiful, and so strong. 

Those words. They broke through a barrier that I had around my emotions and again, I wanted to cry, but I didn't, because if I did, then she probably would and that's all we needed, two women sitting at a table crying, while the other one looks at the two of us like we've lost our mind. But her words wrapped themselves around me, and held me close, it was a hug with no physical contact, it was what I needed tonight. Because as strong as I think I am, there are days when I feel weak, like I have no energy to fight what is being thrown at me, I feel like I'm failing, and tonight she let me know with those few words that I am not failing, that I am still the same strong person that helps others, doesn't judge others because they dare to be different, or they aren't perfect, because they have flaws and I see them as being beautiful, and perfect. I think imperfection is perfect, and I think it's beautiful, and amazing when you embrace it. 

Tonight, I laughed and smiled, and I meant it. And it felt great, and I feel amazing, and happy. Happy that these women along with a few others that weren't there tonight are in my life, and they love me, and they accept me. I know that no matter how imperfect, flawed, sad, wrong, or broken I am, that these women still look at me, and see me. The girl who hurts when others hurt, cries when others cry, and would do anything to make sure that her friends and family are happy. 

When you're second guessing yourself, sometimes all you need to hear is someone say to you, you're beautiful and you're so strong. And if you're in a place where you can take their words in, and you realize that what they see in you, you see in yourself, well then, that's just wonderful.

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