Turning 25...Trying To Wrap My Mind Around This

11:56 PM

Simple shit triggers the things that make me panic. 

Turning 25 has never been a focus of mine. I never sat around thinking about my 25th birthday, what I would do, would it be exciting, or would I feel just...I don't know. But that is how I feel right now. Everywhere I turn someone is bringing up the fact that I'm turning 25 next Tuesday, and I cringe whenever I think about the day. That's not to say that I'm not happy to have been blessed to see this day, to live this long, and to be where I want to be. BUT (yes there is another but) something (I'm not sure what) is holding me back. I can't get excited about my big day, I wait for the excitement, and nothing has happens. I feel dread, fear, emptiness. I don't feel ok with my birthday. It could be because of some decisions I recently made about myself and other people, it could be about where I am in my life at this particular time, it could be because it was cold today. Who really knows? I don't, that's for sure.

Every year three of my friends take me out to dinner for my birthday, and I'm always really excited about these get togethers because they are so special. However, this year whenever one of them mentioned the dinner for my day I backed out and made up an excuse as to why we wouldn't be doing it this year. I even went so far as to make sure that we have dinner the weekend before my birthday just so that we don't have to celebrate it. Last year I had no intentions of working on my birthday but now, I just might. I don't want to think about this day, and what it means, and what I have done, or what I haven't done. I don't want to think about the number 25 at all. I want this day to come and go. No birthday wishes, no how old are you, no singing, no you're getting old...just silence. That's all.

People always ask me what I want for my birthday and I usually say that I don't know, because I don't. I shop for myself so often that when the holidays come around I have no use for anything. The answer I don't know never sits well with people, so this year I'm asking for only one thing.


I believe that that is the best gift that anyone could give me this year. No lies, no smoke mirrors, just honesty.

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