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Reevaluating My Decision

1:34 AM

I know what's bothering me now...I fucked up. It's just that simple, there is no story that I could tell that would make me feel better, or help you understand better. I did it wrong, I didn't handle it right, and I...fucked up. I said yes, when I should have said no or I'll think about it, I said good-bye when I should have said I love you, I said ok, when I should have shrugged and walked away. It's 1:24am and a few days have passed since I did all of that, and I'm just now getting it. I see it, and I feel it, and it doesn't feel good. I feel alone in this...again.There is only one way out and I just got back in...by accident. I acted off emotion, and not common sense, I bobbed when I should have weaved. I haven't even told anyone about my decision because I can hear the questions:

Why Alana?

You're stronger than that! So what changed?

Are you sure?

What's so different this time?

                                               There are no answers 

And then there is the one thing that a friend said to me recently, I don't want to see you of all people get hurt Alana. They worry about me because they love me, they look out for me because they care. They have every right to feel this way because hey, I am playing Russian Roulette with my heart, my head, and the stability that I worked so hard to gain. I took a chance and already I'm starting to see the signs of a possible mistake. But how do I get out? How do I say I'm sorry I can't? How do I walk away when I just walked back? WHY IS THIS SO DAMN HARD?!  

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