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Failure, Success, And Everything Else

12:20 AM

There are those rare days when I talk to my dad and he actually says something that clicks, makes me think, and is actually worth listening to. Now I'm not trying to shade my dad, but I'm just saying, a lot of times I completely block him out because he has a tendency to hop up on his soap box, and all I want to do is kick that box from underneath him. But today he made sense, and he made me think, and...I'm still more confused than I was before, but that's fine. It just means that this decision is going to be a long process of trying to get somewhere.


When I'm writing, and I'm actually considering writing to be published, I sort of feel like a person that's been placed in the middle of the woods with a map, but with no knowledge of how to read it. I'm lost. I'm also scared. Everyone that's in my life knows that I write, I do it for fun and because I feel like there are people living inside of me that have a story to tell, and I'm the only one they're willing to share that story with. I know, I sound crazy to some, but to those that are writers, I'm sure I sound normal. 


But getting back to my conversation with my dad. Earlier today he and I were talking, and I'm not really sure how or why, but we ended up on the subject of talent. My dad has always had a problem with the fact that I write but I don't share it with anyone. He said to me, you're wasting your talent baby. I don't like to see you wasting your talent. What could I say to that? Although I don't believe I'm wasting my talent, I completely understand what he was trying to say to me.


I write everyday. Not a day goes by that I don't pull out a pen and journal and write. I actually carry a journal in my purse, there is always a different one in my purse (it all depends on what I'm working on). But again, I don't share these stories, these thoughts, or these other fears that cripple me. And according to my dad, I need to change that.


What people don't understand is, I have a fear of failure and a fear of success


What I mean by this is, I fear failing, I don't handle failure well which is why if I feel like I can't do something, I just don't do it. I'd rather never try than to try and fail. The funny thing is, if you don't try, you are still failing, just in a different way. But it's a failure that's not mentioned or not always recognized. 


My fear of success is something that throws people off. But it's like this, I fear succeeding at different things, not everything, just some things. Let's look at my writing for a minute, it I get published and I put myself out there because twenty people are cheering me on saying go for it but I only sell four copies of my book, to me it's a success and a failure all wrapped into one. It's a success because I've done something that I never thought I'd do, but it's a failure because no one really bought it. Now my fear of success is just...something I'm going to have to eventually get over just like I'll have to get over the fear of failure. But let's say the book is a success, it sells and sells some more, now the goal is to either hit the same mark or surpass my last success. I fear having to either meet or surpass my own success. 


My fears may seem ridiculous, weird, and a little odd, but they are mine. If you only knew how many drafts I have in this account due to the fact that I've written pieces that are too intimate, too...me. I'm a pretty private person, I keep a lot of myself hidden somewhere, where no one can see.My writing allows people inside a place that I don't always want to share. So my goal for 2011 is to write my synopsis, and query letter, and send out my manuscript. And in the end get published. If my book is a hit, GREAT! But if it flops, even better. That flop will give me another reason to work that much harder to flip that flop *see what I did there*


My point is, I'm scared, and I'm working on that, it's a process, I'm not perfect, so just be patient.

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