“Among mortals second thoughts are wisest” ~Euripides

3:37 AM

I never really know if what I write will be great or a fail. Usually I sit down and I just write. If it's good, sometimes I share, and if it's bad, I hit save and never look at it again. Tonight is one of those nights. Or mornings. It's three in the morning and I can't sleep. Yesterday I was driving to work, and I started thinking about a friendship that I decided to end this year. When I did it, I knew that it was the right thing because I wasn't sad...wait...I was sad, but I wasn't falling out crying like I tend to do when I fuck up. I just sighed, thought about my actions, and moved forward. But something came over me yesterday (actually, it would be the day before yesterday) and I can't seem to shake it. 


The night before, I was going through e-mails that this friend and I had sent to each other over the nine year period that we'd known each other, and I ran across the most recent one from him. It was a picture he was sharing with me, just because. I'm not sure what made me open this picture, I'm not even sure what made me look through the old e-mails. I haven't talked to him in almost a year, and quite honestly I've been doing a pretty good job of ignoring the fact that he's no longer in my life. But I opened the e-mail anyway, and I read the message, and I downloaded the file, and there he was. A picture of him popped up on my screen. And with that picture came questions like:


Did I handle that right?


Why does this still hurt?


Was I wrong?


Did I handle that right?


Did I hurt him when I thought I was only hurting myself?


Did I handle that right?


Do you see the pattern? So I went to sleep and I put him out of my mind. Or so I thought. The next day, I woke up in a bad mood, nothing was going my way. It was storming, my manager had pissed me off causing me to hang up in her face, my car was parked on the street and surrounded by water, I'd decided to wear long pants because when I was choosing my outfit it wasn't raining, it started storming before I could even walk out of my house. Then I got outside and had to pull out some of my old dance moves from high school. Point your toe and leap. And leap I did.


Getting back to my point...


Things weren't going the way I hoped. The day was not moving smoothly, and I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was sad, and irritated and had no idea why. But I got in my car, and headed for work anyway. I called my cousin to vent to her about my my manager and her lack of respect and then I thanked her for listening and hung up. I'd gotten one problem off of my mind, so I should have felt better. But I didn't. A song came on...which one I don't know. But it came on, and it reminded me of him, of our friendship, and it reminded me of happier times with him. Before love got in the way, before we grew up and into adults. It took me back to a time when all we talked about was seeing each other, grades, graduation, the special someones in our lives that we loved, liked, or lusted after, a time that was much more simple.


And I started crying, but I didn't know why. I couldn't understand why now of all times I decided to reassess my decision to pull back, end the friendship, and try to save myself before he could hurt me, or I could hurt myself. The questions came, but there were no answers, because the one person that could give me the answers, I'd pushed away.  It was storming, I was driving through a freaking rainstorm and I was crying (not smart) the streets were flooded, and I should have been paying more attention to the road, but I was crying. So I started talking to myself. Get it together Alana, it's raining. You will NOT drive in this rain, and cry at the same time. Pull it together. So I did. But the questions didn't stop, and there were still no answers. 


When I stopped being his friend (God that sounds like an argument that kids have on the playground) I never gave him the chance to speak his peace. I silenced him, and basically said, I'm hurting, therefore you don't get a say, this is it. And that wasn't fair. I get that now. They say with age comes wisdom, and I guess that is sometimes true. Because what brought all of these thoughts and questions (with no answers) to my attention was my birthday. On January 11th, I'll be 25 years old and I'm terrified (but we'll talk about that later) my upcoming birthday is making me think back to the things that I did wrong, the things I wish I could change, and the things that I can't change that still haunt me to this day. And just like those things still haunt me, so does that one question...


Did I Handle That Right?

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