I Forgive You

6:03 PM

Kennedi (my seven year old niece) spent the night at my house last night, and I'm going on record saying that she can't sleep with me again. I will not allow her to get into my bed and do what she did last night. That girl hit me, kicked me, laid right up under me, took all of the covers, and rolled into the wall all night last night. At one point, I got up and literally tossed her to the other side of the bed because I was tired of being abused. I mean, I get it, I use to be a bad sleeper also, but my goodness, if I was anything like her, I am publicly apologizing to anyone that slept with me as a child. I became more aware of my sleeping habits when my niece Lauren was born, she slept with me whenever she was at my house, and knowing that a small body was in the bed with me caused me to start sleeping in one spot and not moving. I'll be glad when Kennedi becomes more aware.

So, because she was hitting and kicking me all night, I didn't sleep well which caused me to wake up with a terrible attitude. When my mom shook me this morning and said, "Alana, get up." I moaned, and just about screamed because I thought it was Kennedi hitting me again, and I was over it. But I got up, because I asked my mom to wake me up and she was only doing what I'd asked of her. Something everyone should know about me, when I don't sleep well or at all, I am a mean bitch. Everything and everyone gets on my nerves, if you even breathe too loud I'll yell, "SHUT UP! WHY ARE YOU BREATHING SO LOUD?!" But I didn't want to take my anger out on anyone, so I was quiet for a while. Me, my mom, and Kennedi got dressed and went grocery shopping, and when we came home I ate and grabbed the throw blanket my mother leaves on the back of the couch, and prepared to take a nap. My eyes hadn't been closed a good two minutes before I heard, "Nana...Nana." Kennedi was trying to get my attention. I asked her, "what?" She looked at the coffee table where some of my stuff was sitting and asked, "can I have a gummy bear?" I couldn't believe that she had waken me up, after keeping me up all night, just to give her one of my gummy bears. I gave her some, and ate a few myself before settling back into the couch to continue my nap. I didn't get to lay down good before she asked, "can I have some more?" I picked up the bag, and handed it to her, "here, you can just have the bag." I'd just bought them, but if that was going to make her leave me alone, she could have the damn gummy bears.

I was going to try to continue my nap, but by then I was wide awake and annoyed. Kennedi then decided that she longer wanted gummy bears and put them in the refrigerator. I started watching TV and then I heard it. Kennedi was eating gum with her mouth open, smacking as if this was a normal thing, and I mean smacking loud too. I said to her, "Kennedi! Stop smacking." She said to me, "everyone smacks when they eat gum." I then said, "I don't." And what does she say? "Well everybody else does." My natural reaction was to snatch her up because I was sleepy, and she was the cause for all of this. But instead I said to her, "just stop smacking on the gum." I felt bad when she threw it away, but like I said earlier, I'm mean when I'm sleepy and I was beyond sleepy at this point, I was agitated. My mom suggested that we watch a movie, and I agreed, Kennedi decided that she too wanted to watch this movie, even though she had no idea why people were talking the way they were talking, and saying the things that they were saying. She started asking questions, and smacking on a rice krispy treat. I was over it, and I told her so, and after I made my point, I ended up falling asleep. And thirty minutes later, I woke up and I noticed something...

I can honestly say that I was not being the nice aunt that I usually am and I feel bad about it now, but at the time I just wanted to sleep and that wasn't happening so I lashed out. Kennedi's feelings were hurt because I wasn't playing with her, and I wasn't being nice, and I didn't want to talk but when her dad called and said that he was downstairs, she looked sad.  I asked her, "what's the matter?" She looked at me and said, "I don't want to leave you." Anyone who knows Kennedi knows that this is big, because although she and I are close as close can be, she and her daddy are just as close, and earlier she was asking when he'd be picking her up because she missed him. But now she didn't want to leave me. I suspect it's because we really hadn't spent much time together, which isn't normal.

So the point I was trying to make with this very very long story is this: people hurt our feelings, and they do things that we don't like and some of us will hold a grudge until we are dead and gone. But a child...an innocent child can be treated badly, and yelled at, and made to feel like they don't matter. Yet they forgive and I think they forget sometimes. They laugh and they play with that same person that was mean to them. So if these sweet innocent children can say, "I forgive you" when the people that hurt them never really say, "I'm sorry" I have to wonder, why can't we as adults do the same? Why hold the grudge, and continue to hurt, rather than just saying, I forgive you.

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