Bothered...

12:25 AM

A friend recently asked me, Alana, how come every picture I've seen of you as of lately looks so sad? I mean you just don't look happy. For the past month or so I've been working on letting things go, and not allowing them to bother me. I've also been working on letting friends go and not letting them back in. I must admit, I'm failing miserably. Not with letting friends go, that's easy, it's the things I'm struggling with.Even as I write this post I'm bothered about a few things, and I don't know what to do with these things, I don't know where they are supposed to go, or how I am supposed to face them. I'd much rather run away from them than deal with them. I've never been this person, I've always faced my problems head on, but these problems are weighing me down, causing me to feel tired, and weak, and even helpless. 


What I find so weird about this is, if a friend came to me with the exact same problems as I have now, I would one solution after another at my friends. I would help them work through these feelings, and chances are we would find an answer together. This isn't the case with me, because I don't talk to my friends about the things that bother me, or make me cry. I internalize everything. I don't let people help me, and I'm not sure why. It could be trust, or feeling like if I go to them with my problems I will be a burden to them,


Giving advice to others is simple, giving myself advice is a challenge that I have not yet conquered.


Lately I've felt fear, anger, confusion, sadness, and I've also felt nothing at all. It's scary not knowing what you are going to feel from one minute to the next, and not knowing how to deal with whatever emotion pops up. It's scary when you rack your brain for the answer and all you come up with is more sadness, anger, confusion, and more nothing. Somewhere between living life and trying to figure it out I lost myself. I'm not the same. I don't joke like I use to, I don't laugh anymore, and I'm always tired mentally. Something has got to give, because it's exhausting. I created this blog because I needed a place to lay my thoughts, fears, and questions to rest. I needed a place where they could go, run free, and not be judged. Here, my thoughts are free to be exactly what they are. But I'm still bothered.

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