The Day I Stopped Talking To My Father

12:39 AM

In my last post (I believe) I spoke about how I never got the chance to meet any of my grandfathers.And how hard it is sometimes when I think about what I possibly missed out on.Well tonight,I want to talk about the day I stopped talking to my father about serious issues.My dad has been in my life physically all of my life,but emotionally he's never been there.I know of many men like my dad,they'll give you what they feel is necessary to get you where they think you should be.They make sure that you always have a roof over your head but they don't give you the emotional support you feel you need or deserve.

For the most part I believe that I've been a good kid.I of course had/have my moments where I am wrong in my actions.But I don't believe that I've ever done anything to make my father treat me the way he has over the years.There is still a time in my childhood that sticks with me.This incident is why I still resent my father.I don't bring it up to him because he can't handle the conversation.

When I was maybe ten,I became depressed and damn near suicidal.I use to sit in my window(which I had knocked the screen out of)and I would look down.Below me was this long white fence and the top portion was jagged.I began going through the "what ifs."I wondered if I threw my body from the window and onto the fence would I die instantly?Would I feel any pain?Or would my death be quick and painless?I wanted it to be quick and painless,I didn't want to feel anything I just wanted this feeling of nothingness to go away and stop bothering me.This feeling was like that kid in school that poked you and poked you hoping that you would react,because then that would mean that they had gotten to you.That kid needed to know that he or she was getting to you or their work wasn't done.

Well,I never jumped but I did however get in that window on more than one occasion and truth be told,at that point in my life I would have been ok with dying.I'm still not certain what stopped me.It wasn't the thought of my mother because I didn't even think about her when I was going through this.I believe that suicide is one of the most selfish acts a person can do.But when you're in that situation and you're feeling the way that I felt,worrying about all of that is the last thing on your mind.

Anyway,I went to my dad first and I told him that I needed to speak to someone because I didn't feel like I wanted to live anymore.I remember his words,his face,and how heartbroken I was by the whole thing.I was standing in the living room and he was in the kitchen,there was this island that separated the kitchen from the living room.I said, "daddy,I think I need to see a therapist." I was ten,I didn't know what type of doctor I needed to see exactly only what I'd seen on TV.He looked at me and said, "What?Why?" I said, "I'm sad,and I just feel like I don't want to be here anymore." His response to me was a wave of the hand in my direction, "whatever Alana."

My heart sank when we waved off what I was telling him.I'd finally gotten up the courage to talk about what was getting to me and all he could do was wave his hand at me?Tears fell from my eyes as I began to see my father in a different light.I went to bed that night on a pillow drenched in my tears.I stopped talking to him about my feelings that day.I felt like if he couldn't deal with something as serious as suicide then he certainly couldn't deal with anything else I had to say.

This depression stayed with me for a long time,I began talking to guys I shouldn't have been talking to.I wasn't looking for a man to fulfill that void that my father left.I just needed someone to listen to me,and to hear me.All of these guys weren't good for me,but they listened to me.Whether they heard me or not is another story.It would be four more years before I got the help that I needed.I got that help on my own,but I found that help by accident.

That was the best accident of my life...but I'll write about that another day.

*I was able to share this because of one of the best people I've ever followed on Twitter.She's no longer on Twitter but her blog is amazing.Thank you Bassey *

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